Money is one of the most powerful tools in a relationship — but when it’s used to control instead of support, the consequences can be devastating.
In this episode of The Agent of Wealth, host Marc Bautis is joined by Amanda J. Scott, author of Finding My Way Back to Me. After enduring 17 years of emotional and financial abuse, Amanda now helps survivors recognize the warning signs of abuse, reclaim their independence and rebuild their lives. Together, Marc and Amanda discuss what financial abuse looks like, why it’s often so difficult to recognize, and how survivors can begin the journey toward healing and financial empowerment.
In this episode, you will learn:
- How emotional abuse often lays the foundation for financial abuse and why the two frequently go hand in hand.
- The subtle warning signs of financial abuse — including isolation, control over money and the gradual loss of confidence and independence.
- How friends and family can support someone they believe may be experiencing abuse.
- The financial and emotional challenges survivors face after leaving an abusive relationship — and the resources available to help them rebuild.
- And more!
Tune in for an important conversation that sheds light on a frequently overlooked form of abuse, offering practical insights, hope and encouragement for survivors and those who want to support them.
Resources:
amandajscott.com | Bautis Financial: 8 Hillside Ave, Suite LL1 Montclair, New Jersey 07042 (862) 205-5000 | Schedule an Introductory Call
Disclosure: The transcript below has been edited for clarity and content. It is not a direct transcription of the full episode, which can be listened to above.
Welcome back to The Agent of Wealth, this is your host Marc Bautis…
Financial planning is often about building security and independence. But what happens when money is used as a tool of control instead?
Financial abuse is one of the least discussed forms of abuse, yet it can have devastating and long-lasting effects on a person’s confidence, freedom and financial future.
Today we’re joined by Amanda J. Scott. Amanda is the author of Finding My Way Back to Me, a memoir about finding the courage to leave a 17-year abusive marriage while shining a light on the often-hidden realities of domestic abuse.
Today, Amanda works with survivors of domestic, financial and emotional abuse, helping them rebuild their lives and create a new path forward.
Amanda, welcome to the show.
Lovely. Thank you very much for having me on your show, Marc.
My pleasure. To begin, could you share your story and what inspired you to write Finding My Way Back to Me?
I experienced domestic abuse in my marriage for 17 years, yet for the longest time I didn’t realize that what I was living with was abuse. Abuse takes many forms, and it’s often hidden — whether it’s emotional, financial, physical or sexual.
It creates a feeling of shame in the person being abused, and that shame keeps them stuck. Nobody wants to believe they’re unloved or uncared for, so we often make excuses for our partner’s behavior rather than accept the truth that we’re being abused.
I wanted to share my story to shine more light on this issue because I believe everyone deserves the opportunity to leave an abusive situation and move forward, whether the abuse is emotional, physical or financial.
Many people have heard the term financial abuse, but they may not fully understand what it means. How would you define it?
Financial abuse is incredibly hidden. It’s an insidious form of abuse that often develops slowly.
In my case, what started as one incident of disrespect became two, then three, until eventually it became the way I lived. I was constantly told that I was stupid, and it didn’t take long before I believed it. Every time I was treated badly, I assumed it was my fault because I thought, If I were better, things would be better.
The emotional abuse created the conditions for the financial abuse because I became too afraid to question my husband’s decisions. All I wanted was peace. I wanted the constant tension in our home to stop, so I did what I was told.
Financial abuse is still something many people don’t recognize or even know how to name. Emotional abuse is similar — it’s difficult to identify because it slowly chips away at your self-worth over time.
Did the emotional and financial abuse feed off each other? Did one enable the other?
Absolutely.
The emotional abuse enabled the financial abuse. Recognizing it wasn’t one dramatic moment — it was a slow realization, a quiet feeling that something wasn’t right.
It started with small things. I was always in a position where I had to ask for money. It felt like I was begging. The way I was treated made me feel like I was a burden, like I didn’t deserve to have money. Over time, that slowly eroded my confidence and my sense of self-worth.
Asking for money never came naturally to me, and I felt ashamed, as though I wasn’t capable. Looking back, I understand that when someone repeatedly tells you you’re stupid, eventually you start to believe them. I didn’t feel worthy.
So I stayed quiet. I adapted. I made do. But inside, it was wearing me down.
I think financial abuse grows in silence. It’s rooted in control and manipulation. I became afraid to access money from our bank accounts or even use credit cards because I feared the repercussions and being yelled at.
Over time, I learned to avoid touching anything financially. I learned to live small.
That’s what financial abuse looks like: power, control and silence.
Looking back, were these things you only recognized after the relationship ended, or did you realize while you were in it that you were experiencing financial abuse — and the other forms of abuse as well?
I’m asking because I imagine it can be very difficult to recognize while you’re living through it. How can someone realize that what they’re experiencing isn’t normal?
Looking back now, it seems unreal that I tolerated what I know today was emotional and financial abuse. I’ve often asked myself why.
The short answer is that abuse completely took over my world. I no longer had a reference point for what it felt like to be treated with dignity and respect.
It became my normal. Being yelled at became normal. Being told I was stupid became normal.
The deeper answer is that I came to believe I deserved to be treated that way.
The first real step toward change was admitting that this wasn’t normal. No one should have to ask or beg for money in a partnership as though they’re a child.
I didn’t take action immediately, but something inside me kept saying, This isn’t what love looks like. This isn’t what I deserve.
Abuse happens gradually. Until we acknowledge what’s happening, we can’t begin to change it. That’s why so many people remain silent — they genuinely believe what they’re experiencing is normal.
You mentioned having to beg for money, feeling controlled, not feeling capable, and being repeatedly told you were stupid. Are there other warning signs people should look for? What are some of the earliest indicators that someone may be experiencing financial abuse?
One of the biggest signs is constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells — never feeling comfortable or safe.
Over time, you begin to lose yourself. That happens in many different areas of life, and money is just one of them. You lose the ability to make your own choices and decisions. You may not even know what’s happening with your finances because you’ve been shut out of them entirely.
Recovery begins by taking that responsibility back.
Ultimately, it’s about recognizing the places where you’ve lost yourself in the relationship and where your boundaries have slowly disappeared.
Are there ways to prevent financial abuse from happening? Or maybe prevent isn’t the right word. You mentioned control and staying involved. Are there things people can do to reduce the likelihood of finding themselves in that kind of situation?
I think it’s about staying true to yourself. It’s about recognizing what’s happening and acknowledging it.
Friendships are incredibly important because they give us a different perspective. Unfortunately, one of the things that often happens in abusive relationships is that those friendships are slowly taken away. You begin to think your partner is simply looking out for your well-being, and that’s certainly how I felt.
Good friends don’t judge you. They became a lifeline for me because they gently said, “We think something isn’t right.” They planted a seed, and eventually it was up to me to decide what the truth was and what a healthy relationship should look like.
A healthy relationship is built on safety, love and mutual growth. Abuse strips those foundations away and leaves you living in survival mode.
It’s important to acknowledge what’s happening and understand what a healthy relationship really is. Disagreements happen in every relationship, but abuse is different. Where abuse is present, control replaces respect. Instead of safety, you feel fear. You’re constantly walking on eggshells. Instead of growing as a person, you begin to shrink because your partner doesn’t want you to grow.
Looking back, I realize my situation had nothing to do with something I did or didn’t do. It was rooted in my partner’s deep insecurity and need for control. For a long time, I accepted that behavior instead of accepting the truth — that I was being abused.
You mentioned friends, and I know friends and family can sometimes recognize that abuse is happening, even when the person experiencing it doesn’t. But they may not know what to say, how to help or how involved they should become.
What advice would you give someone who believes a loved one may be experiencing financial abuse — or any other form of abuse?
Be there without judgment, and be there when they need your support.
You can gently bring up your concerns. Whether they act on them immediately isn’t something you can control, but you may be planting a seed that helps them later.
The turning point is different for everyone. For some, it’s physical violence. For others, it might be a child’s question or an empty bank account.
The important thing to remember is that you don’t need anyone else’s permission to call something abuse. If it feels wrong, if you’re constantly scared, walking on eggshells or questioning your own worth, that’s enough.
Once you’ve acknowledged what’s happening, the next step is to prioritize your own needs. That’s where self-care becomes so important.
At first, self-care may feel unfamiliar, but it’s sacred. It’s the thread that keeps you connected to yourself when everything else around you feels like it’s unraveling.
Once someone leaves an abusive situation, what are some of the biggest financial challenges they face as they try to rebuild their life?
Many people leave abusive relationships with very little financial security. In fact, a lack of money is one of the biggest reasons people don’t leave in the first place.
The good news is that there is support available. There are women’s shelters, counselors, friends, support groups and people like me who help survivors take those first steps forward. Many people want to leave, but they’re scared.
Rebuilding requires both emotional stability and financial stability.
One question I often ask is, How safe were you allowed to feel when you asked questions about money? I certainly didn’t feel safe.
For people who have experienced emotional or financial abuse, money often becomes tied to fear, control, safety and self-worth.
The healing begins when you find peace outside of the chaos. As you rebuild your emotional stability, you’re also creating the foundation to rebuild your financial life.
Amanda, that’s all the questions I have for you today. Thank you for joining me on this episode.
This is such an important conversation about a topic that deserves far more attention, and I appreciate you sharing both your personal experience and the work you’re doing to help others.
Before we wrap up, where can listeners go to learn more about you, your book, or get in touch?
The best place is my website, amandajscott.com. You’ll find my blog, information about my book, Finding My Way Back to Me, and other resources there. It’s a short book, but it’s a powerful one about why everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.
If anyone has questions, needs support, or knows someone who may need support, they’re welcome to email me through my website. I personally respond to every message.
Great, we will include all of that information in the resources section of the show notes. Thanks again, and thank you to everyone who tuned into today’s episode.
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